We have here compiled worksheets to use for: 1) preparing plans for you after to you die or 2) plans for handling the myriad details of a deceased. Where possible, the list starts with the timeliest or most important items.

The Funeral/Memorial Service

Contact funeral home. Set up meeting with central family members, will executor, and any other critical parties for deciding funeral arrangements. Work with interested parties to resolve who will be responsible for what costs and what actions. Usually the estate will reimburse the costs of the funeral. Try to find out the deceased's wishes regarding their funeral or memorial service.

Many families today choose direct cremation or burial upon the death of a loved one, rather than the traditional funeral that usually had the body present, often with an open casket. Direct cremation or direct burial allows for significant cost savings as compared to an open casket funeral service. Following direct cremation or direct burial, the family may choose to have a memorial service. Often they want to do the planning on their own and hold the service at a location other than a funeral home, avoiding the expense incurred when a funeral director participates. Many of the following questions need answers regardless of whether the funeral director assists or not.

Questions:

1. Burial or cremation?
   • Burial:
     • Embalmed or not? Not embalmed means things need to happen faster.
     • Clothing and jewelry for tradition burials. Did the deceased want any particular clothing or jewelry? Special membership pins?
   • Burial containers/placement:
     • Plot (need deed or purchase)
     • Vault (encloses casket, discuss choice)
     • Mausoleum
   • Casket: wood or metal
   • Open or closet casket (some clergy prefer closed—discuss)
2. Cremation
   • Casket options? Cardboard?
   • Keep ashes or scatter?
   • Urn options?
   • Will you have calling hours/visitation? Traditional hours are 2-4pm and 7-9pm.
3. Funeral Service? Where and When? Often 3 days after death.
   • Before of after burial/cremation?
   • Funeral home, Church, Temple , Mosque, graveside, or other?
     There are a few things to keep in mind when choosing a location for the memorial service. If the deceased did not have a strong religious affiliation, consider places that reflect their personality or interests. For example, the memorial for a nature lover might be held at a local park or garden. Also, try to choose a location that is convenient for friends and family members. Remember, more than one service can be held.
   • Seating arrangements for funeral service.
   • Leader of the service: Decide whether a clergyperson, adult son or daughter, spouse, friend, or sibling will lead. Of course, a well-organized service may also be led jointly. One speaker is usually asked to give highlights from the life of the deceased. Others may read a favorite religious passage or prayer, poem, or memory. Decide who will read and what will be read. All attendees may be given an opportunity to share memories, with the service leader serving as a moderator to keep things moving and bring the discussion to a close at an appropriate time.
   • Flowers, photos, music, and recognition. You may want to decide on a purpose or theme for the memorial service, as a guide for readings, etc. For what will the deceased be remembered? Her dedication to charity? His love of music? Her active lifestyle? Also consider if there are issues to be discussed or conflicts to be resolved that will help attendees deal with the death. It may be best to address a controversy rather than to ignore it.
     • FLOWERS: Casket spray, lid arrangements, standing spray, matching baskets, specialty pieces. You may decide to purchase flowers or just use those provided as gifts. Some families choose to send home flowers with guests after the service.
     • PHOTOS: A photo album can remind visitors of good times and shared experiences. (May also need photo if having open casket) Display photos or favorite objects that exemplify and reflect the deceased's personality. Some people put together memory books or videos with contributions from family and friends. A reflection book may also be provided for guests to write down favorite memories.
     • MUSIC: Many memorial services open and close with music. You may choose to play the deceased's favorite song on CD, solicit a performance from local musicians, or lead guests in a hymn.
     • RECOGNITION: Special recognition of accomplishments?
       1. Wake? When, where, what food/drink?
       2. Special Services? For military or fraternal order.
       3. Pall Bearers, usually 4-6 men.
       4. Eulogy: by clergy, friend, video, other?
       5. Gravesite transportation
       6. Grave marker
          • Temporary
          • Permanent
   • MEMORIAL CARDS: (funeral home, yours, stationary service) A program or card can include photographs, names of speakers, copies of the readings, favorite memories, and information about the deceased. Copies may be sent to those unable to attend the service.

Reception
Make clear to your guests if/when/where a reception will be held following the service. It may be held in a private home, activities center of a retirement community, park, or other convenient location. You may choose to provide simple or more elaborate refreshments.

Order of Service
The following is a sample Order of Service for you to customize to fit your own unique circumstances.

1. Music
2. Opening Words
3. Candle Lighting or other Ritual
4. Address giving background information
5. Readings
6. Personal reflections by one or more family members or friends
7. Readings
8. Summation by service leader
9. Closing words
10. Music

An arrangement conference with a funeral director typically lasts anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours depending on the family's wishes and choices. Many of the above decisions will depend on each individual family's service preferences. Some of the items listed above are applicable to particular service or disposition choices and may not apply to all families.

Move to Death Worksheet #3